I am lost..

freedom

i would always be uncertain, undecided, go with the flow.

I will always be like a cat lost with heavy clouds looming ahead.. I will find shelter. I should. I must.

--

Sa tingin ko ay matagal din tayong di magkikita
Ayoko na tuloy isipin na malalayo ka na sa akin
bibilangin ang mga gabi hanggang tayo’y maglutang muli
Sa tingin ko ay magiging maligaya ka
Nasan ka man patungo alam mong nandito ako

Sa tingin ko ay alam mong hahanapin kita
bawat araw na ikaw ay wala na
Sa tingin ko kita sa aking mga mata na hindi pareho ang buhay ko kung wala ka
Ngunit tuloy ang ikot ng mundo
Matagal lang; masasanay mabuhay na tayo’y magkahiwalay

Pikit matang managinip
Mahahanap mo ako sa isang malalim na sulok ng iyong isip..

[Music] Suicide is Painless

"Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be: the pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see...

That suicide is painless. It brings on many changes.

I can take or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make all our little joys relate without that ever-present hate. But now I know that it's too late. "

How do you do?

Don't you think this position is familiar?
It's a little after twelve, and it doesnt get worse than this.
Looking out of the window, people asleep in their beds beyond the little windows, with buildings in between.
the constant empty assurance, it's all or nothing at all.
it's like I'll walk on water at every chance I get
as i find my own little oblivion as i try to keep myself away from me.
I close my eyes and bought a ticket because it's cold where I am.
I say, "How do you do?"
"The circus has fallen down to its knees as I hear the big top crumbling down"
It starts to rain where I should be, around 12 miles east.
I need a phone call.
I dial and I get no answer. I dont get any change.
I need a raincoat.
I board the train, afraid of getting older in the snow.
Love is a ghost train, rumbling through the darkness.
"Hold on to me, because I have nowhere else to go"

[Music] Lost in the darkness

Lost in the darkness, Silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning,
Now endless night.

If I could reach you, I'd guide you and teach you.
To walk from the darkness
Back into the light.
Deep in your silence,

Please try to hear me;
I'll keep you near me
Till night passes by.

I will find the answer.
I'll never desert you -
I promise you this -
Till the day that I die...

- Jekyll

Hands

I watch myself on the glass mirror infront of me as i run the water on the yellowish sink. The mirror was old and rustic with some of the silver pieces falling off the edges. the frail light from the overhead flourescent was enough to show, or rather hide the gritty tiles.

I held my hands under the faucet, fixated at the sight of the water running through my fingers. Stooping down, with handfuls of cold clear water, my face tingled at sudden change of temperature. I held my hands to my face for a moment, then look down on my hands once again.

I remember a good friend once said, that when a man decides to take only what his closed fists could hold, and have nothing more than that, and nothing more of the world would offer. then he dedicates the rest of his life in the pursuit of these handful of causes, then he is free..

My hands are now weary. Calloused. Scarred. Ugly. Clenched as tight as it can as it tries to hold on to something that doesnt want to be held.. feeling each trickling water slip through the open ended and broken crevices over, and over, and over, and over..

the beach..

I had always taken pictures of my two slippers on the shore. It gives me a feeling that things will get better after a few more steps..

the picture i took reminded me of gray sky mornings.

The car ride home

Just a few more miles from home, She slams on the brakes.

She said "I tried to be but I'm not. Can you please collect your things and leave the door open when you leave? I dont want to be cold, I dont want to be cruel, but I got to find something more than what's happening with you."

"While you were sleeping, I was looking far and wondering what you were dreaming when it came to mind that I suddenly didnt care anymore. So i thought, Hell if it's over I had better end it quick or I could lose my nerve. Are you even listening?! can you hear me? "

It's just a few miles from home and my mouth was too dry to rage. The light was shining too bright and I could barely see her face. But she thinks she knew all the words that I never had said; the crumpled-up promises of this broken down man.

Looking through the glass

For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known...

The self destructive man

A self-destructive man feels completely alienated, utterly alone. He's an outsider to the human community. He thinks to himself, "I must be insane." What he fails to realize is that society has, just as he does, a vested interest in considerable losses and catastrophes. These wars, famines, floods and quakes meet well-defined needs.

Man wants chaos. In fact, he's gotta have it.

Depression, strife, riots, murder, all this dread. We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction. It's in all of us. We revel in it. Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on these things, painting them up as great human tragedies. But we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no. Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers that be want us to be passive observers. And they haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purely symbolic, participatory act of voting. You want the puppet on the right or the puppet on the left? I feel that the time has come to project my own inadequacies and dissatisfactions into the sociopolitical and scientific schemes, let my own lack of a voice be heard.


You got a match? Watch me as I light myself on fire.

Pieces of paper

In the end, all i have is paper.

I watch as pieces of it come down from a big black machine, with a glowing green monitor and buttons.

The dull mechanical wirr and the prompt clicks as it opens a small trap door. I wonder if I stuck my hand in a little bit longer, would the machine panic? would it be amused and wait patiently, or would it be irritated and snap my hand off.

The door waited.. but it was impatient because it was beeping.

I got the bills that I needed and the door shut quickly. I had violated it. An act of defiance. I smiled to myself.

Crisp. I can feel it. This. Tangible. I never had a lot of this, I should be happy, right? I worked for this. I worked really hard for this. And in a little while, all of this will be out of my hands and won't be mine anymore.

Pieces of paper in exchange for company I lost, the moments i can never have again. All for this.

In the end all i have are pieces of paper, and none to share them with.

What for?

On being left behind.

It's quite hard to convince somebody that I understand what they're going through..

But I do. I do understand how it feels like to be really small, and as insignificant as humanly possible. Those deep, echoing, piercing aches in places that you didn't know you had inside you.

No matter how many places you've gone to, or how many bottles you've drank, or friends and new people you see; you still go to bed every night going through every detail wondering what you did wrong, or what you have misunderstood.


----

We fall in love with the wrong people because we are always hoping we are wrong. And every time he/she does something that tells us he's no good, we ignore it. And every time he/she comes through and suprises us, he/she wins us over, and thats the moment we lose that argument with ourselves, that he/she's not for you.

pleading..

I force myself once again through another day, trying to figure out what why today just fell apart like my life in front of me.

All the sacrifices are good for nothing. I want to show that i can be good for something.. But I can't because you won't let me. All my faith is gone and I couldnt find it.

Just like what you say. "I dont want you"

I dont like today. Please take it away. I cant keep my hands steady anymore. I know im going further than what I have gone already but Im still pushing some more. I still push some more.

another sleepless night. but i'll live through this. I have to.

The reason we say goodnight

"Hello darkness, my old friend." I greeted the cold gray walls that surround me. I have closed the door, and hung the key on the rusty nail beside the door knob.

I walked further, feeling the room getting colder and more familiar. the light from the distant light post was dim, and the dark would'nt share its space. My hands glided across the grooves of the smooth walls, a bit of dry earth crumbling at my touch. There is a slight chill in the air as i move closer to the corner.

"It has been a while", the cold air whispered. I felt the brush of her icy lips on my cheek.

I closed my eyes and realized, I am back home.

The reason why we say goodnight before we sleep is a mutual admittance. A surrender that we will be alone in the next few seconds just before we shut our eyes. Nobody can come with us to where we are going.

I sit down and held my legs together. I begin to sob.

Here it comes all over again.. here it comes all over again.. here it comes all over again..

i lost it.