I am lost..

freedom

i would always be uncertain, undecided, go with the flow.

I will always be like a cat lost with heavy clouds looming ahead.. I will find shelter. I should. I must.

--

Sa tingin ko ay matagal din tayong di magkikita
Ayoko na tuloy isipin na malalayo ka na sa akin
bibilangin ang mga gabi hanggang tayo’y maglutang muli
Sa tingin ko ay magiging maligaya ka
Nasan ka man patungo alam mong nandito ako

Sa tingin ko ay alam mong hahanapin kita
bawat araw na ikaw ay wala na
Sa tingin ko kita sa aking mga mata na hindi pareho ang buhay ko kung wala ka
Ngunit tuloy ang ikot ng mundo
Matagal lang; masasanay mabuhay na tayo’y magkahiwalay

Pikit matang managinip
Mahahanap mo ako sa isang malalim na sulok ng iyong isip..

[Music] Suicide is Painless

"Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be: the pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see...

That suicide is painless. It brings on many changes.

I can take or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make all our little joys relate without that ever-present hate. But now I know that it's too late. "

How do you do?

Don't you think this position is familiar?
It's a little after twelve, and it doesnt get worse than this.
Looking out of the window, people asleep in their beds beyond the little windows, with buildings in between.
the constant empty assurance, it's all or nothing at all.
it's like I'll walk on water at every chance I get
as i find my own little oblivion as i try to keep myself away from me.
I close my eyes and bought a ticket because it's cold where I am.
I say, "How do you do?"
"The circus has fallen down to its knees as I hear the big top crumbling down"
It starts to rain where I should be, around 12 miles east.
I need a phone call.
I dial and I get no answer. I dont get any change.
I need a raincoat.
I board the train, afraid of getting older in the snow.
Love is a ghost train, rumbling through the darkness.
"Hold on to me, because I have nowhere else to go"

[Music] Lost in the darkness

Lost in the darkness, Silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning,
Now endless night.

If I could reach you, I'd guide you and teach you.
To walk from the darkness
Back into the light.
Deep in your silence,

Please try to hear me;
I'll keep you near me
Till night passes by.

I will find the answer.
I'll never desert you -
I promise you this -
Till the day that I die...

- Jekyll

Hands

I watch myself on the glass mirror infront of me as i run the water on the yellowish sink. The mirror was old and rustic with some of the silver pieces falling off the edges. the frail light from the overhead flourescent was enough to show, or rather hide the gritty tiles.

I held my hands under the faucet, fixated at the sight of the water running through my fingers. Stooping down, with handfuls of cold clear water, my face tingled at sudden change of temperature. I held my hands to my face for a moment, then look down on my hands once again.

I remember a good friend once said, that when a man decides to take only what his closed fists could hold, and have nothing more than that, and nothing more of the world would offer. then he dedicates the rest of his life in the pursuit of these handful of causes, then he is free..

My hands are now weary. Calloused. Scarred. Ugly. Clenched as tight as it can as it tries to hold on to something that doesnt want to be held.. feeling each trickling water slip through the open ended and broken crevices over, and over, and over, and over..

the beach..

I had always taken pictures of my two slippers on the shore. It gives me a feeling that things will get better after a few more steps..

the picture i took reminded me of gray sky mornings.

The car ride home

Just a few more miles from home, She slams on the brakes.

She said "I tried to be but I'm not. Can you please collect your things and leave the door open when you leave? I dont want to be cold, I dont want to be cruel, but I got to find something more than what's happening with you."

"While you were sleeping, I was looking far and wondering what you were dreaming when it came to mind that I suddenly didnt care anymore. So i thought, Hell if it's over I had better end it quick or I could lose my nerve. Are you even listening?! can you hear me? "

It's just a few miles from home and my mouth was too dry to rage. The light was shining too bright and I could barely see her face. But she thinks she knew all the words that I never had said; the crumpled-up promises of this broken down man.